Nnnnnnos....Nnnnnnoooos.

Dear Peapod

There's no point in not telling you this since there shouldn't be anything we can tell each other. Before I met your father, I was married and then got a divorce. After everything that's been said and done, it was an easy decision to make yet the hardest one to go through. It was easy because I love your father and I knew that it would be the right thing to do. Hardest because going through a divorce means emotionally it slices very slowly each and every layer of self preservation and confidence you have to that keeps you a whole person. In the matter of keeping my chin up and looking it in the eye, I remember telling myself "going through a divorce is the worst thing that can happen to you and nothing else after that can tear you down"

I thought then what I knew was true. Not.

Now with each passing day, I find myself thinking, whether consiously or not, that being a parent is the worst thing that can ever happen to anyone. Not in a bad way mind you. I worry about everything, from whether you'd be alright in my womb up to the point to being driven to tears (last night) what if something happens to either your pa or myself. Like for instance, igot upset when I couldn't bear to tell him that "no, I'm a just a little pregnant you pophead, so I don't want you to fly to London for Ron and Michelle's wedding because (a) the plane might get highjacked and crash (b) you might be attacked by pink terrorists in London (c) you'd get abducted my aliens and cut your cock" Did I say that? No. Of course I had to hum and haw till he got upset. I wish I can say no..Nnnnnnno...nnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnno outright without feeling like I'm the the Stroke of Death to your father's party plans.

But Peapod, I do worry. I can't help it. Your father thinks I'm a slacker especially in the "Future" department. Especially when it comes to things Beyond My Control like mortality. Logically we all know that money can be lost and made in a day, but I worry about that too now that I've stopped working. In a way, I feel pushed and boxed in a corner with what ifs and financially I'm absolutely no help at all. (By the way, I've decided to give you a headstart in saving up for your college education. The minute you can crawl/sit up/gurgle/smile for the cameras, I'm going to pimp you off to a modelling studio for covers.)

Being a parent may be the "worst" thing that can ever happen to anyone/me but my usual breezy reply would be to everything and this included "don't worry, it'll be fine". It has to be, right?

I'm going off to practice my series of "Nnnnnnos" infront of the mirror now.

Mama loves you.